I know I know!

But I've been busy OK? Mom finally bought a house so I've been helping her out with the particulars there. She wants all sorts of work done including putting wood floors (floating, thanks be to the gods) throughout, which I'm expected to do. She also has a backyard cottage that she wants made over. Most of last weekend was spent at Home Depot and Lowes deciding on what all she needed. So for the next month I'm going to be tearing out crap plywood walls, insulating and putting up new drywall, tearing out carpets and re-situating all sorts of cabinetry. Worth it for me though so she won't complain when I store all my crap at her house instead of paying 50 bones every month for storage when I leave for OR.
Also I've been on a diet the last few weeks which meant more time devoted to exercise, most of which I have to wake at the buttcrack of dawn or wait until late evening to do or face death by heat stroke. In the midst of my peanut m&m withdrawals I somehow decided now would be the best time to totally quit smoking as well and I got on the patch. Suffice it to say I've been a smidge on the cranky side.
However, I've already lost an official 7lbs. Hooray for me. To reward myself I've used my saved smoke money to buy this....



It was on sale.

I want these to go with...



Hey that would make a good super hero costume. =P Unfortunately I can't get the boots right now, unless someone wants to buy them for me...anyone? Anyone? Paul? Nah didn't think so. I'm still pretty stoked though.

That should keep some imaginations busy for a while, heh. Yes i'm evil.

A New Recruit

It seems yet another innocent has been sucked into the behemothic blog vortex. I've "known" Paul a long time now, in fact he's the totally inappropriate love of my life, (*sigh* so many missed opportunities) being both far too young and far to attached. Anyway, I know that his writings will be of interest to anyone who might enjoy the stories of an impetuous english youth's abuse of alcohol and persistant pursuit of debauchery. And hey, who doesn't love impetuous english youths? There's the fighting, the shaved heads, the olympic level cursing! I predict that older men will heave heavy sighs remembering their lost youth, feminists heads will explode and it's very likely we'll all reach orgasm.

Therefore, please welcome to the blogosphere the preeminent professional of prodigious profanity, without further ado, I give you....

Home of the Plastic Existence and Misspent Youth

Almost Ready to Move

I've been kind of distracted lately with the business of moving. Trying to figure out what needs to go and what should stay in storage. I guess I am a little saddened to think of leaving though I didn't believe I would be.

In summers most of my mornings are spent scrambling to finish whatever needs to be done in order to quickly escape into air conditioned comfort for the rest of the day. But this weekend was a busy one and left me doing chores with the humidity draining my energy for whatever free time I had left. If it were not so warm here I think I might have considered staying.

Right now, the day hangs a humid haze. Cicadas drone, aphids swarm in their dancing clouds creating different shapes. The slight disturbance in the leaves of kudzo leaden trees only foster the stagnant aura. There is the lap of lakewater against a rotting boat. A distant farm carries soft sounds of impatient horses and the cooing response of the farmers patois, which for all my high school french I understand very little of. In my mind I can almost imagine some faint and slow zydeco like fiddle as I sit surveying this mornings green nothing from my porch. All combine into a gentle din that I will now and forever associate with near intolerable heat.

Thankfully, there is the smell of relief in the air, a heavy gray sky seems to bring a hush of anticipation. It feels as if everything is waiting for the first thunder. Rain is welcomed and often wished for from every creature here I think.

I will miss it, I like it here though it's not quite the same as New Orleans which I love beyond any other place i've been. It holds some of the same eccentricities and surreal qualities that after nearly a year I have only just begun to take for granted. But the heat? That will most certainly not be missed but hopefully, blissfully forgotten in Oregons cooler climate.

Raiders of the Lost Ark, Hope No Ones Face Melts Off

So I've read through the grapevine that through the copper scroll, Vendyl Jones, (yes "Dr. Jones") thinks he has finally deciphered the location to the ever elusive ark of the covenant. He plans on going to the location and digging a hole large enough to lower a camera in and broadcast the event live to the world as it happens.

Anyone who knows me or has read through my journal knows that my lifes interest has been archaeology and my college major was anthropology. And Vendyl Jones or rather "Indiana Jones" the movie character is after all largely responsible for my transition from child paleontologist to seriously studying for a career in Anthropology. I have great respect for the man despite any differences in ideals merely for that reason alone. While I've tended to purposefully focus my attention away from the biblical facet, even I have to be extremely excited at what would turn out to be the most significant archeological discovery attained to date.

This find ranks in the top 5 along with the absolute missing link, the holy grail, discovering the true Atlantis and comfirming M theory. In the archaeology community it is very roughly equivilant to winning the national lottery on your 18th birthday.

Despite my excitement I can't ignore the possible rammifications of such a find that I'm not sure most people are fully able to grasp. Far be it from me to begrudge an old man from the very completion of his entire lifes work, but should he manage to not pull a Geraldo here and really find this thing it could mean a major change in the world as we know it now.

For someone like me, it is merely another historical artifact created by men and the discovery of such an artifact probably won't shed any light on it's potentially metaphysical origins. The problem is, for purposes of propoganda, the power and profit groups will try to limit our acces to and interpretation of it. Also if we take their discoveries seriously based on some sort of assumption that science and research and logic can gives us accurate and useful information from the ark that can be used to advance the cause of humanity then, they should also feel compelled to yield to our discoveries like evolution, stem cells, birth control, etc.

Splintering the multi-hued mirror of human discovery and invention into shards and fragments of competing ideologies is what created the need for the ark in the first place. If you read the Hebrew scriptures, god always desired a relationship with his people. He initially asked them to come to his mountain, all of them, and that he would walk among them and be with them. They decided to send Moses instead, put god behind a curtain, asked for laws instead of justice and made faith into an oppositional and secluded type of anti-intellectualism. By they I don't mean jews, although I would include them in this. I mean all of us.

If the ark is severely limited then people will run away with their own ideas as has been done for centuries with the bible, only for many this will be the ultimate confirmation and excuse to go ahead with some very foul and sadistic dealings. Those of us who like our freedom of will, could find ourselves fighting for that right (some of us feel we are already).

Also, I don't like the idea of god being in some object or some location that can be put behind glass and people can pay seven dollars (five for students) to rent multi-lingual headsets where James Earl Jones bellows on about the budding staff of Aaron. I just envision a scene that is a constant circus of fundamentalists, salesmen, crackpots and government officials swarming around outside of some Ark amusement park with a ride that parts the Red Sea and a virtual reality room to experience the biblical plagues of locusts and raining frogs. It's Holy Disney folks, come one come all, take a tour of King Solomons mines, pay $10 for your Moses burger and 39.95 to get a Queen of Sheba costume for the kiddies.

If this is legit, and Dr. Jones is correct or this isn't merely the Ark copy, it poses limitless social, political, historical and I guess ultimately spiritual significance. Let us hope the powers that be and humanity keep a level head.

Hmm I wonder if they'll try sprinkling goats blood on Yom Kippur? Anyway, heavy subject for my first day back eh? The next will be more comical I think. Thanks to those of you who worried about me, you're really sweet. =)

Bikini Girls With Machine Guns

I know I haven't posted lately but I wasn't feeling too talky and didn't have much to say. I'm not a talkative person anyway. This is pretty much my biggest outlet except for the phone. In day to day 'real life' I don't talk much at all. I prefer not to babble just to hear my own voice. I know I know, I'm an anomaly to my gender.

But that is true of a lot of things about me. Most women couldn't tell you what the industry considers to be the worst horror movie of all time, nevermind own it. Most women wouldn't know the characters from Sin City or the story of The Punisher BEFORE the films came out and most don't know Stan Lee. Most women will never know what a sliding T bevel is, let alone have their own toolbox.

I've always been odd for a girl.

I am still very girly. My most ridiculous possessions include an 80 dollar handbag and 20 dollar rhinestone hoop earings. I paint my nails AND toes religiously. I hate most sports. I want breast augmentation. I know very little about cars and won't touch my engine because I don't want to get dirty. I scream like a 6 year old when I see a spider.

Other peoples reaction to me is at odds as well, the two most common phrases I hear being "You're a pretty girl" and paradoxically "You have a lot of balls". Go figure. Men fall in love with me for the same reasons they later break things off. I'm a "cool and interesting" girl until they start to confuse my silence for coldness and my independence makes them feel un-needed. No man likes being told what kind of drill bit to use on a job or being out-hit by a girl at the batting cages. With respect to men I have had to bite my tongue, play dumb and frequently pretend helplessness. It is annoying and it gets exhausting when you've been doing it a long time.

My life on the whole has been a little out there too. Extracurricular activities have included, horse training, driving demolition derby and modeling in small runway/hair and makeup shows. I've skied down the Colorado river in an american flag bikini and i've done it sporting a Tattoo that is NOT on the small of my back. I've traveled across the US and Australia mostly on my own. I am forever trying to reconcile my wish to ride motocross with my desire to do it in glittery hot pink gear and helmet.

Anyway, due to my freakishness, this blog will go on the occasional mini hiatus while I get through one of my anti-chat phases. I knew it was time to take a break when I resorted to posting a web test. I apologize to those of you who were disturbed by the mutant-y picture of the last post and i'll try to leave things on a more pleasant note next time. =P

The Self Pity Post

I've come to the realization that when it comes to men I have a definite 'type'. If they look anything like this...



Or This...



Or, heaven help me...



And most especially like this... (seeing the pattern yet?)


Look this fabulous wet...


Have the worlds best placed Tattoo...


And I'd marry you for your mother...


You wouldn't even have to buy me dinner.



But am I ever so lucky to attract anything like the eye candy above? No. For the life of me I can't figure out why the men who hit on me look like this...



Or this..


I won't go into details but I'm starting to think it's some sick cosmic joke at my expense.

I am so damn punk

I am 77% Punk Rock.

I am PUNK AS FUCK! The model punk. I care not for anything. I kick ass, but probably smell really bad.

Take the
Punk Rock Test
@ FualiDotCom

Punk like GG Allin no less.

Speaking of which, you may have noticed the new background Jello Biafra v.1.0 which still needs major improving and will probably change before long. If you don't know who Jello is, you're not punk at all.

And the beat goes on...

Making a new post because I got tired of scrolling down and hey, it's my blog and I'll do what I want to.

Terry said...
I think you can't figure out what guys want because all guys are different. Since they are all unique and different themselves then there's no way they'd all want the exact same type of girl. Same way with girls.

Terry- Yes, I know everyone is different, that's a given. And I know I can't figure out the core of every man on earth and especially not in a blog post, I promise i'm not that stupid. I was hoping the lack of politically correct reprisals would afford me the benefit of insight a woman isn't likely to get in person.

What is the ulitmate ideal in their deepest darkest little heart of hearts and what makes them say to themselves. "This is a keeper". What i'm looking for is brutal honesty. The truth in the most basic sense without the sugar coated b.s. It doesn't all have to be the same, but it's easy to sum up.

Example:
ALL STRAIGHT WOMEN LOOKING FOR LOVE WANT. A good looking, romantic, caring, devoted, hard working, loyal, strong but sensitive man who treats you like you're a princess for the rest of your life. Bonus if he's great with kids. SCORE if he has a decent penis and knows what to do with it.

I feel confident in making that statement not as a generalization but a fact.
If all that weren't true, THE NOTEBOOK wouldn't be such a popular film. Although, I admit to gagging at it a couple of times, I'm just not much of a chick flick person.

I can also sum up how a man can make MOST women basically happy in 1 word. Security. No, not just financial security, although that is important. But emotional security, physical security, romantic security. If, through a mans actions, a woman is secure in the knowledge that her s.o. loves her, is not going to cheat on her and makes her feel like she is the important person in his life, she is going to be happy being with him. Minus the few psycho bitches who are just never happy no matter what. But that's to do with them, not men.
That is at it's most basic in the interest of saving time, but I am also pretty confident in that generalization. I even have a few male converts with improved relationships to back it up. I'd write a book if it weren't just so damn simple. As it stands I could only put out a flyer.

Likewise I already know men's wants in the most basic of terms. All any girl has to do is look at a personals ad and read between the lines. For instance..
"I am looking for a woman who's independant"
Read; Not a gold digger
"Physically fit and enjoys the outdoors"
Read; Not a fatty
"Takes care of herself"
Read; Not a fatty and likes to dress "hawt"
"Enjoys similar hobbies and interests"
Read; Won't bitch while i'm watching football or going fishing.
"While still having interests of her own"
Read; Won't smother the living hell out of me.

Simple.

What I would like is to hear more specifics. Like, even though they say they want independant and self confident women, why do they almost universally fall for the needy "Oh you're so big and strong could you help poor little me?" *eyelash bat, hair flip*. I don't care how smart they are they always do. I've tested it and there hasn't been a single one to refuse yet. Even the assholes get all giddy and starry eyed. Even my guy friends who KNEW my shit. Now I know the basic answer to this too, but I would like to know what's going on in their heads during those situations.

Why is it Carmen Electra is still a star even though she's been screwed by Dennis Rodman? I know she's attractive but in my book that girl should be an old maid never to experience a man again. Instead she married what I personally consider to be the ever elusive "gods gift to women". So I wonder if there is something about looking like you've been ridden by most of the celebrity trash in hollywood that somehow makes her more appealing? Or is it just, if your hot enough it doesn't matter what or who you've done.

What is the reason behind stereotypes. Like, the strong willed survivalist stripper with a kind heart. (Independance day and others). Yes the stripper thing is obvious, but why does she need to be strong and kind?

Fill in the blanks, "My girlfriend/wife rocks my socks and is the coolest girl in the world because ....."Insert answer here"....She makes me especially happy because she ..."Insert answers here".

All this interests me. It's all in fun for me. It's enjoyable to have an honest conversation about it, to be able to complain and spout off a little and hopefully both sides get to learn a little something new. There was a reason I majored in Anthropology.

Besides Kris started it. ;)

To Nice Guys who Finish Last, From Nitpicky Confusing Bitches

The other day Kris left me this note..."You might dig nice guys, but they still finish last. How many have you dumped vs. how many have dumped you? I am firmly convinced of this. If you REALLY like nice guys, you are the exception. Most women like to think that, but really don't. Generally, the guys that are the most successful with relationships are ugly assholes with large penii."

Kris, I thought of this as a perfect opportunity. Hopefully you'll be one to give me some feedback. Good or bad it's all helpful. (Oh yeah, thank you for linking me.)

First, i'll grant you that yes the last mistake did just HAPPEN to be a munter with ginormous appendage. Go ahead, chuckle in your righteousness. BUT he had no idea what to do with it and i'm not saying that just because im being spiteful, he really didn't know. I liked that about him though because I figured he was probably telling the truth when he said he'd only been with 2 women ever. I liked that his day job was as a carpenter, he worked really hard. And he was very sweet to me, at first. I truly thought he was a nice guy. I thought the fact that he wasn't very attractive was a good thing and made him less likely to cheat. But in that respect I guess most people are the same, and there are no guarantees. In the beginning he had told me the whole nice guys finished last thing, i'm a nice guy and blah blah. Yeah he was so nice that he had himself posted all over date sites and for all the twig he was swinging he didn't have the berries to tell me he wanted to break up.

And I know no one will believe this, but the musician thing had nothing to do with it, I swear it was the carpentry. I am a carpenter groupie. Almost every guy i've ever dated played something, it's common, but I melt over a man who can fix things! I even have a little crush on Johnny because of it. I would easily pass over Chris Cornell, Dave Navarro and all of Blink 182 to go out with Ty Pennington...ok well maybe not Dave Navarro but he's married so the point is moot.
I'm also pretty sure that any guy who practices drumming for years at a time is going to have a big one. I'm convinced something about all that double base flops it around and stretches things out. So there you all have the secret, run out and buy 14 piece set of pearl and commence the enlargement.

YES I have broken up with many men. I'll have you know that I have rarely broken up with a guy without a very good reason...Including but not limited to, drug addiction, alcoholism, cheating, violence, prison sentences and at my very worst, just because the relationship was going nowhere after 5 years. And in many cases I did not give up easily. I'll also have you know, that every one of these claimed "nice guy" status. I will cop to one or two mistakes on my part with genuinely nice men, those situations having to do with my own insecurity.

Point is, almost every guy claims to be the ultimate in nice guys and every one of those chants the "ngfl" mantra. These same guys are the ones who have done everything from stalk me to hold a gun to my head. I've watched my dearest male friends whine to me about this and then go out an cheat on their new girlfriends.

Men are very tricky, you don't wear signs. You usually don't tell us when you know you're a jerk (although there has been the occasional exception, thank you!) and you do not always dress appropriately jerky. I know I go for the dark tattooe'd type but most of my not nice guys didn't look like your typical "bad boy". Strangely, my most healthy relationships were with men who had full sleeve tattoos and labret piercings.

So I propose a trade, I'll tell you why not just nice guys but any guy may be finishing last. In return please give me pointers. Tell me how to weed out the nice guy from the butt licking jackass in a few short minutes. Point me in the direction of nice guy-con, I'll buy tickets for all 3 days. I'm serious, help. Because I don't want to waste my time anymore and it's obvious I'm not going to get the truth from whatever current shit shank i'm dating.

All that being said, here goes.

Women are equally guilty for causing confusion to all guys by lying when using the, "you're just too nice" line to escape them. There are some women who genuinely mean that line when they say it, but not many. Forgive us, we don't like hurting your feelings. And forgive us in those instances where you are TRULY nice guys, but like every man, women have some standards too. Anyway, I'm happy to help with the truth and explain the real reason you're getting dumped/turned down and possibly hearing that line over and over. Ten typical examples are as follows:

1. You're the guy who doesn't own a spine and tends to agree to everything your girlfriend says. Just so you know, we do figure this out pretty quickly. Not only is it annoying to have a man without his own opinions, we wonder how long it will be until you get fed up with hiding what you really want and spontaneously combust. It's just not healthy all around.

2. The guy who is so nice we feel WE have to protect YOU from the heckling jock douchebag at the local bar.
I'm speaking for myself here, but I like a man who can protect me if need be. I know it's the most basal, cro-mag instinct I could have and I should probably get over it, but I'm not gonna. I have on occasion set it aside though.
By the way, some women assume that "I'm a pacifist" is secret code for "I'm a chicken shit."

3. You're a momma's boy.
No woman should have to compete with your mother, on any level. If you haven't set that limitation with mom, you deserve to live with her. Forever.

4. Bad: You are the depressive artsy dark writer of shoddy poetry.
Worse: You are the depressive artsy dark writer of shoddy poetry you devote to latest/current girl, every single day.
Horrible: You are the depressive artsy dark writer of shoddy poetry devoted to latest/current girl and you burst into tears while reading it to her, Every. Single. Day.
(minus a billion points if you have bookloads of tear smeared shoddy poetry devoted to each and every girl you've ever dated.)

5. Also bad, The quietly arrogant intellectual genius crap. It only works with the ladies if you're unbelievably hot and sometimes, not even then. Eventually it gets old no matter how hot you are. NOTE: We do not consider this a nice guy. The nice guy thing excludes arrogance born through insecurity.

6. You're the earthy stinky hippy guy. Earthy hippy, ok, stinky no, dreadlocks no, covering it all up with patchouli, NO and if your head stinks, don't even think we're risking the trip to happyland.

7. Your cock is too damn small. Most women can deal just fine with average and a little below, but the whole "It's not the size" thing? It's a lie, ok.
If girls happen to read this i'm sure they will protest loudly to the contrary because women will do anything to gain the attention and approval of men, any men. Even men they don't plan to sleep with (what can I say we're f*d up ok?)
But I'm here to tell you, It matters. I'm being honest, remember? So if you have 4" or below start reading books on more prone positions, learn good tongue action or get on that drumming thing ASAP.

8. You're just kinda creepy.

9. You have 5 children by different women, you're paying out every dime you have to said women, you're a janitor and you've done all this damage by age 23.

10. And Last, we plain and simply don't find you very attractive and don't want to hurt your feelings by saying so.
I am forever astonished at the amount of nasty men who have the balls to say things like, "Why not? I'm a good looking guy".
Deep down you know who you are. Hairy chests are ok, hairy backs ARE NOT...there are salons, go get that shit waxed. Ditto for the unibrow. Get your teeth capped, go to the gym, buy pants that fit. Do what you have to do to improve your appearance and not give off the future fat lazy guy on the couch doing the ol' pinch n' roll, impression. If you already are the fat lazy guy on the couch doing the ol' pinch n' roll, cut it the f*ck out.
Don't get all uppity and defensive and give me the "accept me as I am" b.s. because i've never read a personals ad that read "Single Male seeks, fat slovenly girl with no teeth."
And if you're one of these same nasty lazy men who has the nerve to dog unattractive women or shout some derogatory comment about the size of someones ass or areola's, you need to be bitch-slapped. And yes bitch-slapped to the degree that it becomes a two word hyphenate.

Ok...

Some women add to these with rules like not too short, not too bald, not too poor etc. There are addendums to these rules, for instance, rule #8 includes 55 year old men trying to get with 20 year old women. Men who are just too socially inept to do anything but stare at your boobs while they talk, etc. You could all be genuinely nice but ya know, ew. Most women however make many exceptions provided you're charming, funny and not a jerk. Still others will accept anything provided your bank roll is fat enough.

Personally, I think I'm pretty open minded. I am ok with somewhat overweight, balding, shorter, poorer and childed. And if in fact you do happen to be a fairly emotionally stable, clean, hard working, loyal, romantic, thoughtful, non-cheating, kind hearted and a truly NICE GUY then pat yourself on the back and please email me.

Oh and if it makes you feel any better, girth is more important than length anyway.

Never Date Musicians

Ok so I found out my most recent dating mistake had ads all over the internet on every f*ck/date/hot or not site imaginable. Will someone please tell me why men bother to lie? There ARE some women out there that DO prefer to hear the truth. I would much rather hear something like "Why don't we date casually for a while and see what happens?" rather than "I want someone I can be with forever." When either thing is said I take you at your word, the difference is with the former I know exactly where I stand.
I don't know how other women are but I am not someone who refuses to let her s.o. go out independantly and do their own thing. I've never said to anyone, You're not allowed to see your friends, hang out at the club, or even, see your very good friend who just happens to be your ex. etc. I don't flip out, I don't turn psycho, I rarely even raise my voice. Provided some warning and a phone call if we already had plans, I don't care in the slightest where you want to go or what you want to do. In fact the only thing that makes me angry is an out and out lie. There is no good reason for it, ever. So I just can't for the life of me understand what someone has to gain from lying to me in the first place? And moreover why perpetuate the lie for months and waste more of my time?
And if you want to cut things off then just say so. Something as simple as "I'm sorry but you're not the person for me." is very straight forward and totally understandable. What is with the semi-disappearing/re-appearing to totally off the map b.s.? There is nothing more cowardly. I always tell someone when I don't want to be with them anymore. That has meant taking anything from being told I was a bitch for an hour to being stalked for years at a time. I gladly accept any consequence so that I don't lead someone on because it's just the wrong thing to do. Seriously, have some effin guts or balls as the case may be.

I am really starting to think those over done, gold digging, bitchy women have their heads on straight.