Tick Tick Ticking Away

I'm turning 32 on sunday and it's making me miserable. It feels so ooolllddd. I guess I kinda figured that after I hit 30 it wouldn't feel as bad because what's the difference? 30, 32, 38, it's all old. Well at least too old for responsible adult people to be out partying with friends and whatnot. Good little 30 somethings are renovating their homes and changing poopy diapers. I don't feel anything like 32. I still feel 22. I don't think I look 32 but that's subjective. Maybe it's because I don't own a house or have to change poopy diapers that this feels so off.

It's amazing how different things are from what I had expected. But then when I was a little girl I thought by 30 I'd have hair like Farrah and be married to Sean Cassidy. I dwelled on the completely overwhelming idea that I'd be 28 when the year 2000 came, that is if the Russians didn't nuke us first. I also managed to get the strange idea that I wouldn't make it to 35. I don't know why I settled on 34 as the end of me, but for whatever reason I did and it really stuck.

It's not something I really think about until birthdays come around but I think maybe it's always there in the back of my head. Maybe that's why I've never been able to settle down. I get bored so easily. It could be why I've lived in 5 different states in as many years. It could be why every now and again instead of pulling into the parking lot of whatever job I'm doing at the time I just continue driving and chuck everything i've accumulated. Maybe it's the reason I've never taken a marriage proposal seriously or had any children or even owned a credit card. The idea of being able to see my days stretched out before me in a similar routine is so completely depressing and scary that when that thought takes hold I start collecting moving boxes.

I just know I want more more more of everything. Of seeing the world, trying new things. I still want to learn to play guitar, do karate, speak fluent italian. I've gone to Australia but was depressed about not being able to hop over to New Zealand. I want to see Giza. I want to see Akrotiri. I want to finish that Anthropology degree. There are so many things I want to see and do that I know an average life won't give me time for. On the flip side, I'm tired. I do want to get married and have children and own a home. I want to be somewhere that I can see myself staying in forever.

I know logically that it's unlikely I'll suddenly die at 34, but I still feel rushed. I feel so pressed for time and I can't shake that feeling.