Thursday, October 05, 2006

If I knew you were dead

I'm sitting in school where i'm supposed to be paying attention, but i'm not. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Because, I just had to check out the ex's myspace even though whenever I do, it makes me physically sick.
It's like, I need to check to SEE if i'll still get sick and this time, there was a pic of him on there with his new gf, it is taking all I have right now to keep down the bile.

But for the life of me I can't understand why the hell I care? It has been nearly 3 years now! If I thought about an ex more than 3 MONTHS after a breakup before i'd think there was something really wrong.

Frankly i'm known for my male-like indifference even whilst still in the relationship. This is probably what broke us up in the first place, don't really know and it's unimportant. The point is, 3 years and I still feel sick.

It's not as if I haven't moved on. I changed states, twice. Found a new boyfriend, twice, enrolled in school etc. And it's not as if I look at my ex's stuff every day or even every week. It's just every so often, 3 to 6 months, I just have to see. I need to know if he's alive, if he's doing well or poor, and if I still feel the urge to puke.

I don't actually wish him harm, but sometimes I wish I could pretend he wasn't out there somewhere.