To Nice Guys who Finish Last, From Nitpicky Confusing Bitches

The other day Kris left me this note..."You might dig nice guys, but they still finish last. How many have you dumped vs. how many have dumped you? I am firmly convinced of this. If you REALLY like nice guys, you are the exception. Most women like to think that, but really don't. Generally, the guys that are the most successful with relationships are ugly assholes with large penii."

Kris, I thought of this as a perfect opportunity. Hopefully you'll be one to give me some feedback. Good or bad it's all helpful. (Oh yeah, thank you for linking me.)

First, i'll grant you that yes the last mistake did just HAPPEN to be a munter with ginormous appendage. Go ahead, chuckle in your righteousness. BUT he had no idea what to do with it and i'm not saying that just because im being spiteful, he really didn't know. I liked that about him though because I figured he was probably telling the truth when he said he'd only been with 2 women ever. I liked that his day job was as a carpenter, he worked really hard. And he was very sweet to me, at first. I truly thought he was a nice guy. I thought the fact that he wasn't very attractive was a good thing and made him less likely to cheat. But in that respect I guess most people are the same, and there are no guarantees. In the beginning he had told me the whole nice guys finished last thing, i'm a nice guy and blah blah. Yeah he was so nice that he had himself posted all over date sites and for all the twig he was swinging he didn't have the berries to tell me he wanted to break up.

And I know no one will believe this, but the musician thing had nothing to do with it, I swear it was the carpentry. I am a carpenter groupie. Almost every guy i've ever dated played something, it's common, but I melt over a man who can fix things! I even have a little crush on Johnny because of it. I would easily pass over Chris Cornell, Dave Navarro and all of Blink 182 to go out with Ty Pennington...ok well maybe not Dave Navarro but he's married so the point is moot.
I'm also pretty sure that any guy who practices drumming for years at a time is going to have a big one. I'm convinced something about all that double base flops it around and stretches things out. So there you all have the secret, run out and buy 14 piece set of pearl and commence the enlargement.

YES I have broken up with many men. I'll have you know that I have rarely broken up with a guy without a very good reason...Including but not limited to, drug addiction, alcoholism, cheating, violence, prison sentences and at my very worst, just because the relationship was going nowhere after 5 years. And in many cases I did not give up easily. I'll also have you know, that every one of these claimed "nice guy" status. I will cop to one or two mistakes on my part with genuinely nice men, those situations having to do with my own insecurity.

Point is, almost every guy claims to be the ultimate in nice guys and every one of those chants the "ngfl" mantra. These same guys are the ones who have done everything from stalk me to hold a gun to my head. I've watched my dearest male friends whine to me about this and then go out an cheat on their new girlfriends.

Men are very tricky, you don't wear signs. You usually don't tell us when you know you're a jerk (although there has been the occasional exception, thank you!) and you do not always dress appropriately jerky. I know I go for the dark tattooe'd type but most of my not nice guys didn't look like your typical "bad boy". Strangely, my most healthy relationships were with men who had full sleeve tattoos and labret piercings.

So I propose a trade, I'll tell you why not just nice guys but any guy may be finishing last. In return please give me pointers. Tell me how to weed out the nice guy from the butt licking jackass in a few short minutes. Point me in the direction of nice guy-con, I'll buy tickets for all 3 days. I'm serious, help. Because I don't want to waste my time anymore and it's obvious I'm not going to get the truth from whatever current shit shank i'm dating.

All that being said, here goes.

Women are equally guilty for causing confusion to all guys by lying when using the, "you're just too nice" line to escape them. There are some women who genuinely mean that line when they say it, but not many. Forgive us, we don't like hurting your feelings. And forgive us in those instances where you are TRULY nice guys, but like every man, women have some standards too. Anyway, I'm happy to help with the truth and explain the real reason you're getting dumped/turned down and possibly hearing that line over and over. Ten typical examples are as follows:

1. You're the guy who doesn't own a spine and tends to agree to everything your girlfriend says. Just so you know, we do figure this out pretty quickly. Not only is it annoying to have a man without his own opinions, we wonder how long it will be until you get fed up with hiding what you really want and spontaneously combust. It's just not healthy all around.

2. The guy who is so nice we feel WE have to protect YOU from the heckling jock douchebag at the local bar.
I'm speaking for myself here, but I like a man who can protect me if need be. I know it's the most basal, cro-mag instinct I could have and I should probably get over it, but I'm not gonna. I have on occasion set it aside though.
By the way, some women assume that "I'm a pacifist" is secret code for "I'm a chicken shit."

3. You're a momma's boy.
No woman should have to compete with your mother, on any level. If you haven't set that limitation with mom, you deserve to live with her. Forever.

4. Bad: You are the depressive artsy dark writer of shoddy poetry.
Worse: You are the depressive artsy dark writer of shoddy poetry you devote to latest/current girl, every single day.
Horrible: You are the depressive artsy dark writer of shoddy poetry devoted to latest/current girl and you burst into tears while reading it to her, Every. Single. Day.
(minus a billion points if you have bookloads of tear smeared shoddy poetry devoted to each and every girl you've ever dated.)

5. Also bad, The quietly arrogant intellectual genius crap. It only works with the ladies if you're unbelievably hot and sometimes, not even then. Eventually it gets old no matter how hot you are. NOTE: We do not consider this a nice guy. The nice guy thing excludes arrogance born through insecurity.

6. You're the earthy stinky hippy guy. Earthy hippy, ok, stinky no, dreadlocks no, covering it all up with patchouli, NO and if your head stinks, don't even think we're risking the trip to happyland.

7. Your cock is too damn small. Most women can deal just fine with average and a little below, but the whole "It's not the size" thing? It's a lie, ok.
If girls happen to read this i'm sure they will protest loudly to the contrary because women will do anything to gain the attention and approval of men, any men. Even men they don't plan to sleep with (what can I say we're f*d up ok?)
But I'm here to tell you, It matters. I'm being honest, remember? So if you have 4" or below start reading books on more prone positions, learn good tongue action or get on that drumming thing ASAP.

8. You're just kinda creepy.

9. You have 5 children by different women, you're paying out every dime you have to said women, you're a janitor and you've done all this damage by age 23.

10. And Last, we plain and simply don't find you very attractive and don't want to hurt your feelings by saying so.
I am forever astonished at the amount of nasty men who have the balls to say things like, "Why not? I'm a good looking guy".
Deep down you know who you are. Hairy chests are ok, hairy backs ARE NOT...there are salons, go get that shit waxed. Ditto for the unibrow. Get your teeth capped, go to the gym, buy pants that fit. Do what you have to do to improve your appearance and not give off the future fat lazy guy on the couch doing the ol' pinch n' roll, impression. If you already are the fat lazy guy on the couch doing the ol' pinch n' roll, cut it the f*ck out.
Don't get all uppity and defensive and give me the "accept me as I am" b.s. because i've never read a personals ad that read "Single Male seeks, fat slovenly girl with no teeth."
And if you're one of these same nasty lazy men who has the nerve to dog unattractive women or shout some derogatory comment about the size of someones ass or areola's, you need to be bitch-slapped. And yes bitch-slapped to the degree that it becomes a two word hyphenate.

Ok...

Some women add to these with rules like not too short, not too bald, not too poor etc. There are addendums to these rules, for instance, rule #8 includes 55 year old men trying to get with 20 year old women. Men who are just too socially inept to do anything but stare at your boobs while they talk, etc. You could all be genuinely nice but ya know, ew. Most women however make many exceptions provided you're charming, funny and not a jerk. Still others will accept anything provided your bank roll is fat enough.

Personally, I think I'm pretty open minded. I am ok with somewhat overweight, balding, shorter, poorer and childed. And if in fact you do happen to be a fairly emotionally stable, clean, hard working, loyal, romantic, thoughtful, non-cheating, kind hearted and a truly NICE GUY then pat yourself on the back and please email me.

Oh and if it makes you feel any better, girth is more important than length anyway.